Judson

I miss him.


Over the years, I always wonder how painful is it to lost someone dear to you. Along the way, I always stretched out my hands to comfort those who lost their love ones and never occured to me, that one day soon, it will be my turn to be comforted.

....when I first received the news, I was in the study with my dad, eldest sister and brother in law. My dad was on the phone with my second eldest brother when he spilled the news to my dad. As usual, dad is calm but I can see the pain and sorrow in his eyes. My sister quickly flipped through her phone book as if to lost herself there and my brother in law hug us there. At that point, I broke down.

I could hear soft wailing outside and I just sit at the corner in the study staring blindly at the wall. I hate the feeling of crying my heart there in the house and I just feel like going out for a drive and cry my heart out alone. Its just too painful. I lost my eldest brother.

The man whom I first met when I was two years old. I remembered, at our house in Ba Kelalan, I was standing near the window overlooking the row of houses down the hill with my feeding bottle in my hand. From afar, I could see my dad walking towards the house with a stranger. He's a young man, properly dressed and wearing spectacles. When they entered the house, he saw me. I still can remember his smile and sparkling eyes when he saw me and trying to hold me. I freaked out as I was not used to stranger. When he chatted with my dad, my eyes never left him and he kept on smiling at me. Waiting for the ice to break. Few hours later, we were in the kitchen and my dad put me in my cradle for a nap. He offered to swing me to sleep but I was scared and let out a small cry. My dad then ask him to light up the fire instead. That was my first encounter with my eldest brother.

Over the years, he tried as much as he can to build a bridge with me despite his rapid changing and moving in his life as a medical doctor. For I know, out of us seven siblings, I am the only one he never grown up with because of our age gap. And he tried to make use of every time to get connected to me and involved in every details of my life.

One memory of him that always linger in my heart and mind, when I was ten, we were having this family christmas gathering in Lawas. It was after dinner with my cousins, aunts and uncles, one of my sister followed my cousin to her house. I insisted to follow them, but she scolded me instead. And my second eldest brother, standing at the door, warned me that he will smack me if I dont obey and he disapeared into the house. I felt sad and hurt. With tears running down my cheek, I seek for solitary place below our house and cried in the dark. Suddenly, I saw someone coming carrying torchlight. It's Judson. I still remember when he saw me there, crying in the dark, instead of scolding me, he sat beside me and put his hand around my shoulder and say, "It's ok...," He waited until my sob subsides and he hold my hand and bring me back to the house.

Oh Doc, how I wish I can say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU for those times? You know, I've always hold that memory tight in my heart. It's true that life has not been the same when you're not around. We have to struggle on our own, and make decision on our own, as you, our big brother, protector and counselor are not there anymore. Please forgive me for all the years of grumbling not appreciating life with you, our brother. Forgive me. You know, my heart cries thinking of my fatherless nephew and nieces. My heart cries, seing mom cried at no times and dad struggled to be strong for the family's sake. My heart cries, looking at Mutang at times, so drawn in his sorrow and pain. My heart cries, when the sisters still grieve over you. We all cry in our heart, Doc. Even when I'm writing this, I cant help the tears running down my cheek. We all miss you and love you, Doc.

Love, M